Guitars: Irrelevant since 1977.

<----He just couldn't handle David Lee Roth's pantsuit bulge.

Muddy Waters, Clapton, Page, Hendrix, Knopfler, Bo Diddley, Chuck Berry, Eddie Van Halen, (insert your favorite guitarist here)

All guitar legends, all music geniuses in their own right…and all old or dead.

Let me explain first saying, I love the guitar, it’s a great instrument; it’s emotive, it’s rockin’, it’s sexy, it’s all the rage with the kids

BUT…

We live in the 2000s and it is fucking irrelevant.

<----I still won't forgive my coffee maker...that bitch.

All it is, is just another instrument...and since punk rock music and electronic sounds were placed onto vinyl it is utterly ridiculous how much society and the music listeners out there put into "THE GUITAR"

<---My new band, no members, just guitars on a stage, I smell grammy.

Reason #1

Punk music and to lesser extent Grunge are literally meant to stop rock music, these are trends in music that set out to end rock music.

<---Courtney Love's vagina is a hell of a drug.

And here’s the thing, it kind of did, it ended the obsession with technical prowess that had a stranglehold on music since…let’s see…forever.

Because of this breakthrough, it killed the guitar player and to a lesser extent the bass player(seriously, who are these bass players, just keep the groove and stand there).

If any of you think off the top of your head of your favorite guitarist, they will all have one thing in common.

Superb technical skills.

Isn’t it a shame technical skills will never ever be valued by music listeners as much as it was before 1977.

"But hey, I don’t like punk music, it’s too aggressive and I still value technical prowess."

Guess what asshole, every bit of halfway kinda okay music since 1977 has at least some small iota of influence from punk, therefore you must hate all music. Oh… and enjoy pretentious progressive rock for the rest of your life, I know for a fact that those old Rush records are still pretty badass.

<---On second thought, I think I would have sex with Geddy Lee...but only while YYZ plays...or if I am desperate Limelight.

Reason #2 ELECTRONIC SUPERSONIC

Hey there Mr. electronic computer chip, would you like to join my band and distort everything our guitarist does?

Solder me in and show me where the hookers are and while you are at it get some more blow and vodka for the smoke machine.

Any band that has had any popularity either critically or commercially since 1977 has done one of four things.

1) Heavily distorted the sound through pedals, modifiers, synths and computers; so basically turning the guitar into enablers for other sounds.

<---Noise rock, the last bastion of the hipster.

2) Playing old ripped off shit that is not new or original, it’s just some sort of, unbeknownst to them, post-modern vintage rock bullshit.

3) Used the guitar to play a ridiculously simple riff or train to play one kind of song or genre.(Hello jam bands, welcome to the discussion)

<----Ahh, hippies, gotta love 'em, they are so adorable.

<---wait a second, who is this girl in the fro, POLICE!!!

4) Completely skipped the guitar as a centerpiece of the music all together(Hey there rap and hip hop, if that’s your real name anymore)

<----Rippity Rap, Rappity Rip, I spit hot fire, they call me barbeque because nothing but fire comes from my grill.(Dear reader, this has been a message from white corporate America)(we know what you people like)

Reason #3

It has become a parody of itself.

Yup… a parody, a joke, a giggle, a laugh.

Anytime anything starts to basically become a parody of itself, it can only go downhill and become irrelevant(ask some of our former presidents or Tom Cruise)

All hail our galactic ruler Xenu(dear scientology, please don't murder my family at night or take the whole $12 I have out of my bank account.)

"But a parody, how?"

Oh well, there’s Guitar Hero first off.

<----Hello!! My mom's basement!! I can't hear you!!

Imagine this…

You die.

You wake up in whatever heaven you believe in and Jimi Hendrix is there.

First, you wonder why his handshake is so weird…then remember he’s a lefty.

Second, you tell him how you could beat expert on Purple Haze on Guitar Hero 33 1/3.

Jimi turns to God or Gods and says "what’s the deal", him, her, or they regretfully explain to him what has happen to the guitar.

Who the eff is editing my wikipedia page?

Jimi, Bo Diddley and the rest of the guys all head down to hell to spend some time with The Ramones and Sid Vicious, because they already knew the guitar was dead.

Well Sid was down there because he ruined the Sex Pistols...and was a murderer.

Reasons #4 and beyond

the guy who busts out the acoustic guitar at every moment(thanks for using an instrument to attract the hot chicks), the guy who plays guitar in a band but doesn’t listen to anything but Dylan(why aren’t you 50? and in a folk cover band), high schools that teach electric guitar(awesome, you have literally taken the badass out of guitar), Guitar Center(thanks for naming your "one stop source for all your music supplies" after the guitar, thus making every other musician kind of pissed off)

Speaking of Dylan, I’m not a giant fan but he’s part of music history 101…so let me ask you this.

Back in the day, society and music fans went FUCKING BALLISTIC when Dylan went electric.

<----Like the harp, but chicks want to have sex with the player.

Now we have bands comprised of literally no fucking guitar and no one says a fucking thing.

Dylan has now gone on tour with groups that had keyboards and shit.

He was in the Travelin’ Wilburys which had master of orchestration Jeff Lynne at the helm.

<----Spot the member of ELO.(Hint, he's the one you don't recognize.

NOBODY SAYS SHIT.

Why??

Because it’s still good.

I am not telling you to throw your guitar out the window, but we need to ask ourselves.

Wasn’t the original love of the guitar about genius and/or trained musicians rebelling with a new and modern instrument?

Hasn’t the guitar become just another instrument in the homogenated musical landscape?

I mean fuck, we have air guitar championships now!

Music fans and music listeners!

I implore you, let it go, keep progressing, keep feeling fascination, looking, learning, moving on.

Welcome to the future of music, it’s been here since ’77.

Ignoring Homeless people, a time honored tradition

^Sports section is the cushiest^

Homeless people, we ignore them, we look the other way, we fumble nervously looking for change, we mock them satirically in animated cartoons, it's the way of life in urban areas.

But let me ask this,

Who the Fuck do you think you are?

...Seriously(the ellipsis adds emphasis)

Have we as a society of rich suburbanites, hipsters, poor minorities, and foreigners completely become assholes?

Now this is not gonna turn into a self-righteous commentary on how good I am as a person(honestly, I'm kind of a dick) or some sort of plead to your emotions, but I think we might possibly maybe kinda need to reevaluate human life.

Let me take you on a journey,

Imagine you are a teenager living outside of America, let's say Eastern Europe.

War breaks out in your country.

^Insert obscene Holocaust joke here^

Your parents are brutally murdered in front of you.

You are sent to a prison camp for orphans.

You kill a guard who attempts to sexually assault someone.

You escape and come to America.

You learn English, you get a job, you struggle day to day to support yourself, you travel long distances to your work.

CAN I GET SOME CHANGE?

A homeless man asks for some change on the street, what do you do?

This is a true story based on a true person who died in 1989.

She gave change or food to every homeless person she ever saw in her life.

How can you not at least look the homeless person in the face and tell them, I don't have any change.

I'm not trying to get you to give change out to every bum on the street, but at least treat the less fortunate with some common fucking decency.

At least lie to them.

Of course, homeless people are there for a reason, they drank too much, they committed crimes, they did some drugs, they had some bad luck in life.

But are any of you any different(this might have happened to you in one week!)

We live in a time where there are atheists, religious fanatics, liberals, conservatives, playas, haters, etc, etc.

^The Tom and Jerry of belief systems^

But there is no reason to not give some change to a homeless person or at the very least politely lie to them or at least not fucking mock them, jesus man.

"Well, I gotta look out for myself first!" GOOD, treat him with kindness and he will be less likely to stab you when you pass him.

"I don't carry any cash on me" FINE, tell him that, be honest, he'll understand, we live in a time of ATMS and plastic money lenders.

"He'll spend it on booze or drugs" RIGHT, because last time I checked the 28 cents you would give him can buy crack rocks(Kansas has the best crack heads) and an 8th of gin(Hendrick's makes the best gin)

^I think he's done^

"Oh my, what a dreadful sight, a beggar!" WHAT are you a fucking lord or lady?, why are you on this site, I am way too much of a commoner for you to be even reading this.

^David Beckham and Posh Spice^

"What if he uses it to buy something to commit a crime with?" FINALLY, an actual concern, but I live in the US of A and in the city of Chicago, so I'm not concerned because some cops, fireman, military, minutemen, equestrian police will and should be there to stop this from happening(what, do you not back the protection services of this fine country, you a commie? a redcoat?)

Speaking of commies, back during the Cold War, the dirty Lenin-lovin ruskies were poor, cold and waiting in bread lines and guess what happen?
^College Professor^

The United States would try to sneak in supplies to the hungry people.

Now I know it was more of political and military strategy, but still...

If the 12 consecutive years of a conservative president in the money hungry 80s can give some food out to their hated enemies, can't you spare some fuckin change or at least pretend you would if you had it.

^wow, she survived Cloverfield after all^

...and a brilliant man known as Karl Pilkington once asked "Have you ever seen a homeless asian person? and you know what, I haven't.

Better blogs to come.